it's my heart crying
by veronique2
Summary: at the hospital, just after Justin 's bashing


What happened during those three days Michael stayed with Brian in the hospital waiting for Justin to come out of the coma? What did they talk about? How did Michael comfort Brian? How guilty did Brian feel about the bashing? Did he talk to Michael about it? How did Michael feel about seeing Brian in that state? How did the two best friends interact? Did Brian tell Michael how he felt about Michael leaving for Portland? Were they reminiscent of their past? Did "anything" happen? What did Brian think about his best friend dropping everything to be there with him? How did Brian react when Michael finally left for Portland? Submitted by Milla.  
  
It's my heart crying.  
  
I was sitting near him, caressing his neck. His face was covered with tears and his eyes were all red. I looked at the corridor and remembered that we ran down that corridor almost one year ago for a happier event: Gus's birth, and Justin was there with us. At that moment I understood why Brian decided to sit there. He felt guilty for what happened to Justin. But it wasn't his fault. It was Christian Hobbs's fault. He was completely frozen, only his tears still rolled down his face. I met Justin's mother when I entered the emergency room and she was devastated and when I said the name of Brian, her look scared me. No wonder Brian went to refuge here.  
  
He stayed silent a long time ago. I couldn't say anything. I never saw him devastated before in such a way. I was there, in such pain for him. I wanted to erase his pain; I wanted to take it all with me. I wanted Justin safe, too. After a moment, when I succeeded to compose myself, too, I decided to say something to him.  
  
"Everything will be okay, Brian, Justin is young, strong, and it's not your fault," and I held him in my arms tightly. He didn't answer me back. He didn't move. I continued to hold him.  
  
"Why are you here?" he finally whispered, like it was hurting him to talk.  
  
"You called me," I simply said.  
  
Suddenly he held me back tightly with a strength I didn't think he could have. He was hurting me by his hold but I didn't say anything. Then he let out all his emotions, a torrent of cries. I felt my own tears roll down my face. My heart was receiving his pain directly. It seems his cries couldn't stop. And I was wondering why, why this thing happened to him? He already had enough when he was young. He didn't deserve so much pain again. He finally calmed down.  
  
"Thanks," he said and he let me go from his tight hold and I breathed normally again.  
  
I took his hand in mine.  
  
"I couldn't do anything," he said with a heavy whisper.  
  
" Christian Hobbs will pay and Justin will be fine. It wasn't your fault Brian."  
  
He touched his bloody scarf.  
  
"Why can't I do something right once in my life?"  
  
I caressed his cheek.  
  
"Hey, you did plenty of things right Brian. Don't ever say that," I insisted.  
  
"I wish my mother killed me at that time when she could. Everybody would have a better life without me and Justin would be safe now."  
  
"Brian, that's not true, oh god, you have no right to say that," I said with a little anger I tried to handle.  
  
"Brian, having you in my life is the best thing that could have happened. You saved my life more than once. Without you I would probably not be the man I am now."  
  
"No, Michael, it's YOU who saved my life always being there for me. I couldn't have made it without you and you are here again to make me feel better."  
  
At least he was feeling better. That was good news.  
  
"We need to eat something."  
  
"I'm not hungry."  
  
"I don't care Kinney, you have to eat, to be healthy and strong. You have to do it! I don't think Justin wants you to feel like that and become sick. That won't help!" I said with a determined voice.  
  
He sighed and stood up. He took the hand I offered to him. I wasn't really hungry either but I had to eat to show the example. He ate slowly without taste like me.  
  
" Mikey, after will you ask for Justin 's health condition for me?"  
  
"Yes, we'll go together."  
  
"No, I don't want to see her."  
  
"Brian it's not your fault, you don't have to feel guilty. We'll go together."  
  
"I said NO," he yelled.  
  
"Brian, I." But he stood up from his chair and left. I rolled my eyes. I didn't run after him. I was about to when I realized my hand was shaking. I needed to calm down; I needed to handle all my emotions because falling apart at that time wouldn't help.  
  
I decided to go to see Justin's mother to have some news about Justin's condition. That was when I saw my mother near her. Jennifer was crying as my mom was holding her and glared at Justin's father who was there, too.  
  
"It's all your fault Jennifer, if our son is dying now," he yelled. He was angry. My mom saw me and yelled.  
  
"Michael, can you take him away from here."  
  
I took a deep breath and moved closer to Justin's father.  
  
"Don't ever approach me, you fucking queer!" he said to me as he finally left the room.  
  
"How is Justin?" I asked to my mom.  
  
She let Jennifer sit on a chair and moved closer to me. She was devastated, too.  
  
"We don't know yet."  
  
"Michael, I was surprised when Jennifer told me she saw you. I though you were on that plane with David."  
  
"I was about to when Brian called me. I couldn't go after."  
  
"I know, it's good to have you here my son. I'm sure David will understand, he is a nice guy."  
  
Then she held me and cried again. I held her tight and comforted and calmed her. She was between anger and despair.  
  
"Where is Brian?" she finally asked.  
  
"He is here, he's coping with what happened, too."  
  
She seemed upset.  
  
"Why is he not here? Still afraid to take his responsibilities!"  
  
I was shocked.  
  
"What? How could you say that! It's not his fault."  
  
Debbie looked at me, confused in front of my sudden anger.  
  
"I'm sorry Michael, it wasn't what I meant to say. I'm exhausted and worried as hell. Tell him he can come with us. He has to be here with us."  
  
"He doesn't want to be here. He is not good Ma!"  
  
"Well, like everybody here! At least he could make an effort to show up!"  
  
But then she cried again. I finally left her with Jennifer to join Brian. I had to call him on his phone to know where he was. I finally found him on the rooftop.  
  
"How is he?" he asked.  
  
"They don't know yet."  
  
He was calmer than when I left him. He moved closer to me.  
  
"Tell me he's not gonna die Mikey!" he said like a prayer to me.  
  
"He's not gonna die Brian, he is too stubborn for that. It's definitely not his temper!" I tried to smile  
  
"Yes, Justin is pretty stubborn..." he repeated trying to smile at me.  
  
Then suddenly he fell apart again, and began to cry. I held him, repeating the same line, that everything will be okay.  
  
We found a vacant room to have some rest. We couldn't sleep. We were laying with his head on my chest. I caressed his hair slowly. I closed my eyes but I couldn't sleep even though I was tired as hell. I thought I had to call David as soon I could. All my thoughts were messy.  
  
"It was horrible Mikey, when I found him."  
  
It was that time finally; Brian decided to tell me what happened. That was harder to listen to than I thought.  
  
"'I m happy you are here Mikey, I wouldn't make it without you," he said.  
  
"Brian, yes you would make it! You are stronger than you think. Trust me you are."  
  
"I'm not, I know. It's all because of you, being with me, that I can make it. Always have, always will."  
  
That line scared me as much as it pleased me.  
  
"Brian, what if one day I'm not there?"  
  
He looked at me puzzled with a worried face. I didn't want to make him worry so I corrected myself.  
  
"One day, I could be not there for you, I mean not because I don't want to, but because I'm not able to do be here when you need me. It could happen you know... Even if I'll always do my best to be there for you no matter what."  
  
He still looked at me.  
  
"I want you to be able to make it even if one day I'm not there. No matter what happens you have to live and fight."  
  
He stayed silent.  
  
"Promise me."  
  
He nodded. " I'll do it for you," he whispered.  
  
My heart was racing I didn't know why and I felt his lips against mine. He was kissing me softly and he deepened the kiss. I gave in into that kiss. He finally fell asleep for almost one hour when I couldn't.  
  
I decided to phone David and tell him what happened. He was shocked and told me he was still waiting for me here in Portland, no matter what. I didn't really answer to him on that subject. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to leave Brian, my mom and Justin. They needed me.  
  
The next day was pretty much the same. We still didn't know about Justin's condition. He was between death and life. I was in charge of a lot of things. I mostly spent all my time with Brian. We talked about small things like our past, about Justin, too. But not too much, it was too hard to talk about. Brian was still a living mess and I couldn't leave him alone even for ten minutes. He didn't want to see anybody else and late at night when my mom and Jennifer finally left the window where they could see Justin by, I went for the first time with Brian.  
  
That was a horrible moment for him, to see him like that. I already saw Justin before in that bed with all the medical things. It was also something hard to handle for me. In that two days, I realized how hard it was to handle Brian's emotions and mine. Even if I had used to comfort him to be there for him with time. It was nothing compared to what we were living here. Brian was so weak, I had to give all my strength to fix him and it was like only I could do something.  
  
The third day was as horrible as the previous day. We still didn't know, and Brian began to lose hope, so did my mom. I still couldn't sleep. Then finally, the doctor said in the middle of the afternoon, than Justin would be safe. I was thanking God for that miracle.  
  
We all were so happy. But the future was still unsure. Brian was holding me at the news, with happy tears. I myself had tears on my face.  
  
Brian kissed me again and I let him.  
  
"Brian, now you have to go and see the others," I said  
  
"No, it's too soon," he replied.  
  
"Brian, you have to. What happened wasn't your fault, don't feel guilty."  
  
"I just need you Michael."  
  
I stayed silent. Brian couldn't hide from the world. Brian couldn't stay like that. Brian had to face the reality. He couldn't only count on me and besides I was exhausted. That three days took my strength away badly. I needed rest and suddenly it was me who was running scared. I was scared of the future, of the dependence Brian felt about me. I needed security and with Brian where was the security? He was a mess most of the time. I suddenly needed space. I was scared shitless in front of that future with Brian. What kind of future? I was in love with him so badly. I needed him but suddenly that need scared me. What happened during those three days scared me. I needed to know what was life without Brian in my life. All my thoughts were a mess. I couldn't stay here with Brian, in an unrequited love way. I couldn't have Brian only counting on me. It was suicide. For both of us. I didn't take the time to decide when I said :  
  
"You'll have to deal with them Brian, because David is still waiting for me to be at Portland and now we know Justin is safe," I blurted that like that.  
  
He looked at me with shock on his face, then nothing. I could read nothing anymore.  
  
He moved closer to me and kissed me on the lips softly and said, "Thanks for being here Michael, I'm going to my loft. I need shower, and new clothes,"  
  
I panicked. I was wondering, "Is that all? Just that?" Some part of me was truly disappointed.  
  
" Brian, would you come with me to the airport tomorrow?"  
  
"No. Justin's needs me. We'll stay in contact. Say hi to the doc!" he said as he left me completely heartbroken. I just couldn't believe what happened. I felt lost and I didn't know why but I was full of guilt. Some part inside me was telling me I did something bad, I just made a mistake. On that plane, I was still holding all my feelings from the past events but I knew I was in a bad emotional condition. I didn't want to admit it but I never left a chance to David there. I fucked it all up on purpose and David's lack of comprehension and attention just pushed me to fuck it all up even more. Until David didn't have any choice but to break up. I wanted to be back with Brian. I wanted to fix everything even if he wasn't in love with me, even if Justin was counting more for him that I. I wanted to be near him.  
  
**********  
  
"You'll have to deal with them Brian, because David is still waiting for me to be at Portland and now we know Justin is safe," Michael said to me.  
  
I was in shock. I never doubted in my mind that Michael was here to stay forever with me. I never doubted that he didn't plan to go to Portland anymore. When he came back to me after Justin 's bashing I was sure he was staying here. That's why I never asked. We were Brian and Michael and our destiny was to stay together and be there for each other no matter what. I was wrong and I recalled his words, "What if in one day I couldn't be here," he never planned to stay and it was obvious to me now.  
  
I was devastated worse than if I was dying, but I made a promise to him, to stay alive and fight. And that was when I said, "Thanks for being here Michael. I'm going to my loft. I need shower, and new clothes," and that Justin needed me.  
  
But the fact was even alive and even trying to fight, without Michael I was dead. I swore to myself that nobody would hurt me like he did at that time anymore. Michael was my past and my future was. whatever it was. All passion left me, and all life left me, too. I was a ghost of myself.  
  
I stood up from my computer; I had a message from Michael again. I deleted it. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to be hurt again. Michael was over, is what I tried to tell myself. Because if it was true, I just had to email him and tell him that. But I didn't. I knew somewhere inside me that we belonged together and if it was true, the fact that I didn't answer to his mail would bring him back to me sooner.  
  
When he came back, I was torn between happiness, feeling myself alive again and the anger. I kept my promise, I stayed alive and fought. Fought my feelings for him, my anger, my love, my hurt, my past, fought for Justin, fought for him but the fact was he was with me now and fully aware of what kind of incredible love he can give to me, support me, like he did that three days like no others but also that incredible power he had on me, to kill me simply with words, too.  
  
But at the end, we will still be together, no matter what. "No earthly force can separate us." Like we swore in his old room when we were young. 


End file.
